Jan 26 2019

"Embrace the Suck."

I know this expression is reserved for the military, but it is quite appropriate today.  I am going to borrow it.  Laurie willingly starts chemo round 6 today.  No hesitation, no doubt.  She is ready to go again.  "Tough" and "strong" do no justice to the power it takes to move ahead into this next chapter.  

We knew it was likely that the cancer would grow this summer during her chemo break.  It did.  The tumors are larger, but have not spread to other organs.  C-19 is way up as well.  

Laurie had a good summer.  She did not feel her energy rebound as much as she wanted.  However, she did get out more and enjoyed the company of friends several times.  Add in a road trip to Milwaukee, another to Nashville and a concert just last week.  Not bad for someone who has half her internal organs.      

EMBRACE THE SUCK    

Laurie woke up Oct 14 and did not look well.  Her face seemed puffy to me.  By the next morning she was quite ill.  Her head and neck were VERY swollen and patches of skin were purple.  She was very dizzy and weak.  I took her the ER and after several tests she was admitted to the hospital.  The diagnosis was Superior Vera Cava Syndrome.  A large clot had formed in the largest vein on her neck.  Blood was not flowing out of her head and the backup was causing the severe swelling and dizziness.  After a night in the hospital with an IV blood-thinner, the swelling had not improved and actually worsened.  So much so that Laurie's breathing was becoming compromised.  She needed to be intubated and rushed to surgery.  The clot was large and required two surgeries over two days.  This was followed by two additional days in ICU, still intubated and on a ventilator.  Within minutes of  being de-intubated, Laurie asked when could she go home.    

Laurie is many things, and one is humble.  Therefore, she often refused help.  However, two friends caught her at the right moment one day in summer of 2019.  They suggested organizing a benefit in her honor.  All they asked of Laurie was to give them names of others who would help plan and run the event.  Laurie gave them 6 more names and they were off and running.  The team met multiple times and spent many many hours planning and contacting local businesses to ask for donations.  This hard work created an enormous inventory for a silent auction.  In addition, there was a spaghetti dinner, beer cups, and games.  All raising money for Laurie.  The weather was not ideal on the night of the benefit.  The rain turned to ice and driving was tough.  Despite the bad weather, the attendance was truly inspiring.  We estimate over 300 people attended.   Laurie always knew she had a lot of support, but to actually see a huge crowd gathered in one place to support her was truly an honor.  A good friend, also walking his own cancer journey, told her that if she ever felt down to remember this night.  There were hundreds of people , an army, supporting Laurie.

Laurie began spotting on Christmas Eve.  It was all too familiar, and within a couple of days, Laurie was being examined by a doctor and was told that her cervix had been replaced by a tumor.  This was the same fast-growing, aggressive pancreatic cancer that she had been fighting for nearly 4 years.  The doctor told her that surgery was not an option as it would prevent her from continuing chemo while she recovered from surgery.  The best hope was that the chemo would keep it from growing more.  Laurie took this news like she did every other setback.  She kept the faith and loved her family and friends.       

As we left the benefit on Nov 30, a dear friend, and member of the benefit planning team, made us to promise to not use all of the donations for medical bills.  She told us to make sure we did something fun with at least some of the money.  With that message in mind, Laurie went to work planning a family vacation.  She settled on La Jolla, California.  We stayed at the La Jolla Beach and Tennis Club in a room right on the sand.  The entire trip was one beautiful, memorable moment after another.  We spent an evening watching the sun set at Sunset Cliffs.  A tour of Warner Bothers Studios was another great day.  Laurie is huge fan of the show Friends, and has always wanted to sit on the couch from Central Perk.  Not only did she sit on the couch, but even acted in a scene.  She was "Rachel."  After Warner Bros, we drove north to West Hollywood.  Laurie has been watching The Real Housewives of... for many years.  She likes all of the shows, but especially loves Vanderpump Rules because of LIsa Vanderpump.  Laurie got Emily hooked on Vanderpump Rules a few years ago, and those two were bound and determined to have a drink at Tom Tom and Sur.  They of course hoped they might see Bravo film an episode.  When we arrived, there were no cameras.  Laurie and Emily had fun anyway.  They met  Schwartzy and Max and were SUPER pumped.  We ordered dinner and spent more time together taking pictures and just enjoying our time.  

Then it happened!  Lisa came into the restaurant!  Laurie was as excited as I have EVER seen her.  Emily asked me to please talk to Schwartz about possibly arranging a hello with Lisa and Laurie.  I was doubtful it would work, but I told her I would ask.  About an hour later, Lisa Vanderpump came to our table and Laurie cried like little girl.  She could not believe this busy, powerful, wealthy woman would take the time to meet her.  Laurie said the highlight of the trip for her was seeing the Friends set, but for me it was seeing my wife so grateful to meet Lisa.

We ended our trip with a bonfire on the beach, cheese pizza and one of the most amazing sunsets ever!                   

As Laurie approached the end of  her 7th round of chemo, COVID19 reared it's head.  First, let me to remind you that each round lasts 3 months and consists of 6 treatments total...one treatment every 2 weeks.  A treatment involves several pre-meds (to help reduce side-effects), then 2 or 3 different chemo drugs.  The last of which stays attached to Laurie's port and a pump continues to slowly deliver the chemo over 46 hours.  A home nurse then comes to the house to detach the IV from the port.  At this point, the fatigue kicks in.  Laurie would usually sleep late each day for about 10 days.  She would start to feel better 2-3 days before the next treatment.  All of this was awfully tough on her, but she kept going and going because she wanted to live so spend more time with family and friends.  

Like the rest of us, COVID19 entered Laurie's world in mid-March.  At this point, Laurie had to do all of her visits alone.  No visitors were allowed.  CT scans, blood work, chemo treatments all were on her own. Laurie learned about COVID like the rest of us, but she had to also live with the fear that her compromised immune system would fail her if she became infected.  While many individuals pounded their chest and vowed that "no one could make them wear a mask," Laurie lived with the fear that she might get infected at any time.  She would often be frustrated by the anti-maskers.  She would often say, "I did not fight pancreatic cancer for four years to die from a fucking virus."  There was so much did not know about COVID.  We made changes as a family which reduced our trips out of the house.  We took extra precautions including wearing a mask whenever we were in Laurie's room.  This added stress to an already stressful situation was also tough on Laurie.            

The CT scan on Mar 30 showed no growth of the tumors!  This was GREAT news!  The chemo has been hard, but it is working!

Immediately following the positive news from the CT scan, Laurie started the next round of chemo.  This would be round 8.

Just as Laurie had done at the end of each round of chemo over 4 years, Laurie had a CT scan on June 9th.  This one marked the end of her 8th round of chemo.  

On June 15, Laurie's life took a turn just as it had in April 2016.  The turn in 2016 was toward active treatment and surgeries to help save Laurie's life.  This time, the turn was away from active treatment and toward hospice.  Laurie's oncologist informed us that the tumors had grown despite the chemo treatments and there were no additional treatment options.  The day we never wanted to come had arrived.

On June 17, which was also our 25th wedding anniversary, Laurie met with two hospice nurses.  She sat in our bed while they explained the hospice philosophy of independence and maintaining all forms of comfort.  Laurie completed the interview and  paperwork and was promised they would do everything possible to control her pain.  She took this all on like a true warrior.  Laurie's strength and bravery was inspiring and contagious.